久違了的中文entry

很久沒有用過中文去打我的Blog (不過其實個Blog 都唔係成日打架啦). 今日, 明顯的唔想做野啦.  好累呢...

 

工作還不是這樣, 很忙但又很不忙. 明顯地,我給了自己太多藉口了. 十一月基本上是死亡的月分. 過了11月, 我的training 就過了大半了. 到時就要趕著寫我的畢業論文. 十一月對我來說一向也很奇怪. 沒有公眾假期的一個月, 沒完沒了的工作. 如果難得可以忙裡偷閒也尚算不錯了...

 

上個星期, 跟舊同學聚舊, 人變, 事變, 難得的是, 友誼仍在. 其中他們走在一起了. 看著他們, 我不禁的想著想著. 有很多的思緒, 有的關於自己, 有的關於他們. 腦海轉著轉著, 過了這麼久, 體會到的是不用想得太多, 反之, 現在的也不賴, 最少, 我還是快樂的...  

Dim ar?????!!!!

got stuck in family therapy class. what the hell does the witch want? so annoying!!!

i am suppose to get off in 2 min, but i doubt if she will let us go.

o dear!

 

i had no clue what she is talking, some one is doodling, someone is day dreaming, someone is writing report, some one is just browing website.

hm, what i am i doing?

 

arrrr... let me go!!! it's time to go!!!!!!!!

Floating of memory

The more I studied psychology, the more I am aware of the psychological process.

Listening to some of the old songs with my MP3, or I-pod more correctly. Memories just came out without looking for them. I guess those memories are retrieved so easily simply becoz they are too impactful. Listening to those music whne I was on my way to Amsterdam, when I was on my way to lab in Rotterdam, when I was shopping in the supermarket, when I was on the train returning to Rotterdam from Paris… how could I not remember? Sometime, I just wish I could stay away from hong kong. It's just a place so full of stress.

 

Just longing for a trip to Europe. Maybe I have to do that by the end of my CP training. I just can't wait to have my mind refreshed. I just can't wait to see the world again. And I just can't wait to start off my life fresh. I know I could no longer start off my life again like when I was 20. but I still longed for that. I went to Rotterdam when in 2003. I will return there in 2010 if I could. 7 years… how different will it be? How different will I feel? I left the world of molecular biology, but I had no regret. Still have a long way to go for my training, but at least I have to try my best.

 

But b4 that, I need a really nice rest… physically and mentall. Seriously!

Well, i have been so busy for the past month...

loads of tiny stuff happened and i would like to keep a record of those. Mostly in my placement, but some of them are in my daily life.

I have never talked about placement here, and i am not sure if i should or could. I am not gonna talk about the placement, but i would just talk abt things that had great impact on me.

Imagine working in a place where all your values would change in a slit second. All your presumptions to the world, all your attitude to the world simple vanish. Nothing stand at all. But i found that lucky to work there. At least I know where my values are. I am not anyone up in society. I am not any better than those who ask for help! So it does give me a chance to think if i have ever judge others... consciously or unconsciously...

I remember someone saying that the best thing to do is to help a person without letting him or her know that you helped her. You don't need a name to be remembered, but you know you make his or her life different. I want to be a person like this. I want to help people and help themselves to make a difference. I know i had loads to work ahead in order to become a person like that.

So, that's my life in the past month. With the spring coming, i think life is getting even busier... But i am looking forward what's lying ahead. Challenging, and interesting....

Grandma

Grandma (my paternal grandmother), i called her Ma Ma for years... give it a thought, and i just realised that she had passed away for nearly 6 years. Time flies...

Went to a dinner tonight. Mama's best friend was invited. She was like 1 year younger than Mama. I wonder how life would be if Mama was still here. I just never have this thought, ever. But tonight, I can't help thinking about it. Having her around is one of the things that i wish i could get.

We talked about her when we sent Gu ma home... remembering how she would be if she was going to have her birthday dinner. How she would be nagging me to fix her pin, her scarf and her handbag. Memories just rushed into my head, as if i could still smell her room, look into her face, and peep into her drawer. memories so vivid that only dementia or amnesia could take it away. And for once, with all these memories flashing in my mind, i could smile. I know i miss her, but i know life moved on. she would be part of me. and I know i would never forget about her. She is just too nice a woman to be forgotten. Too dearly of a grandma for me not to miss.

I wonder how life would be. I hope she could share everything in my life. but after all, i know she is. just that she is looking after me, somewhere she is happy and peaceful... and one day, i know i would join her... hm, i just hope that she could still recognize me becoz i would be AGING!!!

How far will i go?

Read the whole Twilight series in 2 weeks time.

I was obsessed with the series not becoz of the story. The story is so so from my perspective ( i guess i would pissed so many people off). It's just a single line of love story between Bella, Edward and Jacob Black. I can't put my hands off it thou. Coz as long as it's a magical novel with vampires, zombies, werewolves, wizards... i would be happy to read it.

I guess this book would be targeting teenagers or young adult, an age group that i would no longer be in... All the love elements are so pure, so passionate and so amazing that i wonder if this would really ever exist in this world. Maybe it does exist, just that I would never be able to meet one, coz i could feel no more. flattened affect, flattened emotion. Kind of pathological eh? I think so too. Or maybe it does, just that after all these years, i just don't see the possibility. Just like old man never believes that yound could life their life becoz they are "experienced".

A love story between vampire and human being. Human being are too ordinary, so i adore the vampires more. Edward Cullen was cute, but i adore Alice Cullen more. I like the way she thinks, i like the way she lives... When i was reading, i wonder if i would ever meet my Edward Cullen in life. I never fantasized myself being Bella Swan, but edward cullen is just too perfect. With all his knowledge + his appearance, i wonder if i could resists it. But then Edward would be too perfect for me. I would be like nothing in front of him... And guess what? i am never attractive... that's the biggest problem.

I don't really like Jacob Black in the first place. I hate him bugging around Bella and edward. or maybe i hate him becoz i know he could kill edward. But then, i realise that I'd love to a Jacob Black in my life. When I was reading the bits on Edward left Bella and how Bella feels, i felt the same pain in my chest. It's like a very important part had been torn away from u. You could hardly breathe, hardly think. At times, i wonder if i would be able to recover from that gigantic wound. I wonder if i would ever get out of this mess. At times, i wish there would be a person like Jacob Black would just be there, ask nothing, give no suggestion and make me smile from my heart. I know so well that friends are around, they are happy to accept me. The problem is, i hate myself being so weak, i don't accept myself for not being tough enough. so i tried frantically hide myself, hoping that no one would ever know how weak i am. I indulged myself with work, just to forget about how useless i am.

Will I ever meet my Edward cullen? how abt jacob black? How far would i go hiding? how far would i go doing things that are psychological suicidal? How far would i go just to find someone like them? How far would I go before i could stop inflicitng pain to myself? at one point, i love pain, becoz i know i am still living. at the other, i just hate it becoz i know i am a person of no bottom line.

The question is... HOW FAR WOULD I GO??? HOW FAR COULD I GO?

First entry

Well, this entry should be here way earlier. I have decided to write it at the beginning of 2009, but my computer just don't allow me to input it with Chinese. Whatever... so here it is...

At the beginning of the Year of OX.. Fortune tellers said that my year won't be smooth becoz of the "tai Shui" thing. Well, it has been years that fortune tellers said so. So who cares? One even said that my luck won't start til 2010? WHAT??? If that's gonna happen anyway, I just hope that with the beginning of new year, it will be a fresh start my myself.

Interestingly, life changed a lot. I tried to fight it back, but it just dun seem to work. So i will just go with the flow... Y bother to fight it? i will just try my best, work my best and hope that things will go fine. I am really grateful that i am doing what i wanted to. I enjoyed every bit of my studies and work even thou it's tough. I love my life these days, even thou I know I hoped that someone could share it with me.

In the year of OX, or the early of 2009, i promised myself to live my life and be happy.